A Political History Of The Earth

February 13, 2008

Long before the earth ever began, there was Al Gore.

Gore was lonely without people to speak to and workers to build and fly his personal jets. So he decided to create a system of democracy that would permit him to do whatever he liked “conveniently.” People would worship him and give him special prizes for being clever, and he could make people feel guilty about putting gum under the seats in kindergarten.

So Al Gore said, “Let there be government!” And there was government.

And Al Gore declared that it was very good for those in charge.

Then, after all sorts of fun, he realized that an adversary had come up against him in his campaign for a good, Al-serving society. A looming figure in the darkness, ready to burn down his pretty green forests and steal his diesel fuel at a moment’s notice. His name was George W. Bush.

This infuriated Al Gore. The earth had been his! And it would remain his! So he devised a plan to fight back. A sneaky plan. A tricksy plan.

First, he programmed some of the people he had created to put Mr. Bush in his place, by writing mean things about him, saying he ate raw rabbit, and insulting his mom. When Bush just laughed and threatened him with “nucular warfare,” he pouted. Then he programmed Bush (hey, he created Bush, didn’t you know?) with an abhorrent, unintelligent Texan accent. Bush just snorted and chewed some “ol’ tobaccy,” and laughed at Al again. Al proceeded to inform Bush that his mommy would beat Bush’s mommy in arm wrestling. Bush retaliated to the taunts by insulting both of Al’s parents (“Yer ma was a hamster and yer pop stunk like elderberries”,) and then proceeded to call him an illegitimate child.

Al Gore couldn’t take much more of this. He phoned his mother, Pauline, and begged her to come and arm wrestle Bush’s mom. She refused at first, but when she found out that her “darlingest baby boy” would have to give up his carefully planned democracy to this man, she came. Bush called his mother over and the two moms set out to arm wrestle.

After a grueling fight, with much sweating, grunting, inquiries of “where on earth did you get your nails done?!” and short breaks to tear the men apart and give them time-outs, Bush’s mother, Barb, finally won.

All was lost for Al. Fighting back tears, he gave up his reign to Bush. Then, he flew away in his jet and was never seen again.


Hey everyone, I’m sorry about that. Kind of had a crazy week.


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