Former Wildlife Photographer Goes On Tranquilizing Spree In Bronx Zoo

January 30, 2008

On January 29, 2008, former wildlife photographer Humphrey Dooley was laid off from his esteemed position on short notice and with little severance pay. One day later, on January 30, 2008, he went on a brutal tranquilizing spree and succeded in sedating two lions, a gorilla, several alpacas, thirteen zoo security officers, and a gazelle before turning the gun on himself. “He was a nice guy, even if he sometimes watered at the mouth when he saw my gun.” says chief of zoo security Ron Hansen. “I liked him enough, you know, we even chatted at a Christmas party a few weeks back. I just never thought he would do something this drastic.” explains Hansen, tears glistening in his eyes. “He was just a regular guy. I wish I’d seen this coming.”

“It was kind of distressing.” remarks a witness who wishes to remain anonymous. “My kids were so excited because they wanted to see the lion roar, but it was a huge disappointment when all he did was snore. They don’t need to see that. I mean, really. The world is a terrible place for kids. I hope this guy will always be haunted by what he has done.”

According to zoo officials, once he awakens, Dooley will be sentenced to three weeks of balloon inflation to pay his debt to society.


One Response to “Former Wildlife Photographer Goes On Tranquilizing Spree In Bronx Zoo”

  1. Olivia said

    that is so ridiculous it’s not even funny.

    okay, it’s funny.

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