Why Shoes Are Annoying

January 27, 2008

Shoes carry many things, not only memories, but smelly feet as well. They hug socks as if the one-ply knit might very well be the forsaken mothers of their youth. They don’t like baking soda any more than children like medication. As Beryl Brainbridge so aptly put it, “Being with children was like wearing a pair of shoes that were expensive and too small. She couldn’t bear to throw them out, but they gave her blisters.” Face it, people. Shoes are annoying. In the summer, the thing I hate even more than swimming, sunburn, and lukewarm pineapple juice is sweaty feet. Picture this: You’re lying on a blanket on the beach with a cold glass of water, alternating between reading an enchanting story about two kittens and their adventures and the Sunday comics, possibly daydreaming about the lifeguard and pretending to squish him between your fingers because he is far away and you can do that in your position, when suddenly, you realize something is wrong. That’s right. The breezy, sea smell that has been causing you to become so utterly relaxed is ruined, replaced by the inferior scent of sweaty feet. Only feet. The pungent smell wafts through the air, and you wrinkle your nose inadvertently. “Pew,” you think, “what could ruin a perfect day more than smelly feet?”

 There is another scenario in which feet cause serious heartache. Athletes are challenged in many ways, most of these being mental, but what is worse? When your feet itch on top of all that misery. Imagine. The captain of the football team is hunky enough, sure, and he has gotten past feeling sorry for himself concerning his mental problems by throwing things at his teammates, hitting things, yelling unintelligable phrases at them, eating hamburgers at the local diner, and paying for outrageous items on credit, but how is he to feel when the cheerleader refuses to go out with him because he scratches his feet constantly? “You probably, like, can’t even dance, because, I mean, like, you can’t quit scratching your feet. Do you have, like, mushrooms or something?” And he can’t even correct her by saying that “it’s a fungus, not a mushroom, toots, and did you wanna see my guns?” This tragic scenario can be traced directly back to the diabolical plot of the shoe.

“Crocs” have been caught in escalators, causing traumatic foot injuries in small children. Once again, the shoe is at fault. The popular “hi-top Converse” have cleverly employed the undercover services of punk bands to advertise themselves to greasy-haired teenage wannabes with loud guitars. Yet another devious advertising plot on the part of the shoe.

 If you are easily disturbed by racist comments, inadequate working conditions, and shocking treatment of employees, please do not read any further. Parental discretion advised.

 For years, man has been employing elves to do their dirty work: the very manufacturing of these devices from hell. One of our vertically challenged reporters gathered this information for us by risking his life to go undercover in a shoe factory. He discovered that elves are forced to work at night because shoe manufacturers are too lazy to meet their quota during the day. They are expected to work for a mere shortbread cookie per day and because of the appalling stories that come from the factories, most people simply deny their very existence. They are given no rights, no freedoms, no lives. They are not even permitted to marry outside their race. This is to keep the elf population down and “pure” so that no offspring will have dual freedoms or citizenships. Most of these abused people are transported from Australia in milk cartons.

Finally, I propose a solution. Bare feet. The words of Zola Budd inspire us. “Coming from a farming background, I saw nothing out of the ordinary in running barefoot, although it seemed to startle the rest of the athletics world. I have always enjoyed going barefoot, and when I was growing up, I seldom wore shoes, even into town.”

Boycott the shoe industry. Don’t let another elf die without a friend to hold his hand. Abolish elvery. Thank you.


One Response to “Why Shoes Are Annoying”

  1. Olivia said

    Join SPEW today!!!!

    honestly, i cannot belive i was privy to this insanity.

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