An Awkward Post

September 3, 2008

I have recently discovered the Awkward Turtle family. It is a great thing when one wishes to make a scene, make a situation more awkward, or call attention to the the apparent awkwardness of the already awkward situation. 

There is, of course, the original awkward turtle, where one places one’s hand palm up in one’s other palm and wiggles the thumbs, so as to imitate the desperate motions of a turtle on its back. However, there are several other members of this awkward family that I would like to introduce you to. 

First, we have Awkward Platypus. The awkward platypus is made by placing one’s hand, palm down, into one’s other hand, also palm down, and wiggling only one of the thumbs, imitating the swimming motion of a platypus with one leg. 

Next, we have Awkward Cat. The awkward cat can be constructed by taking one of the hands and raking it across one of the cheeks, from the nose outward. This simulates a cat with only one set of whiskers.

Finally, there is the Awkward Navy Seal, where one sits on the floor in a lotus position, puts two fingers up by the lips and draws them away as if to mime the act of smoking marijuana, and sings songs about peace, love, and grass.

What are some of your favorite Awkwards? Post away!

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36!!!!!

April 4, 2008

I would just like to inform everyone that Askimet has blocked 36 of my comments. 36, PEOPLE!!! That’s 36 chances for me to win the lottery, get liposuction ABSOLUTELY FREE plus tax, go to Vegas, taste the rainbow, and become a rockstar in 30 seconds or less.

I feel cheated.

First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the library, then the kids make models of light bulbs out of sugar cubes and wire (because you can build anything out of sugar cubes and wire), read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life.

Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles.

Then, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs, as well as prices, and figure out how much change they’ll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill.

On the way home, a discussion develops over money, and the mom has everyone figure out what coins and bills the cashier gave her based on logic.

Finally, after building a ladder constructed out of branches is dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed.

Meme! Thanks Olivia!

March 23, 2008

Apparently I am supposed to do this meme. Olivia sent it to me. I don’t feel like tagging her, so I won’t.

Or anyone else, for that matter.

– Link to the person that tagged you.
– Post the rules on your blog.

– Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.

– Let each random person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

1. I used to read under my covers at night with a flashlight in the crook of my neck, but found it uncomfortable. Then I upgraded to a headlamp and found it much more convenient.

2. I knock over somewhat important and/or popular people on a consistent basis. I don’t know why.

3. When I see an S followed by a consonant in a word, I immediately mentally shift the S to the end of the word. (For instance, “Stop” would become “Tops”).

4. I think about every single word that comes out of my mouth before I say it. Unfortunately, this makes for lousy spur-of-the-moment jokes in appropriate situations, and I tend to be late to parties and other such events.

5. I have been identified for most of my life as “that girl with the… hair!!”.

6. I like to eat plain mustard. Preferably spicy brown, right out of the jar.

Homeschool Blues

March 23, 2008

You might be a homeschooler if…

1. You’ve been asked “so, like, do you have any friends?”
2. You’ve experienced the pain of BJU Press…
3. …sometimes mixed with Saxon math.
4. You’ve been asked “so you get to do whatever you want all day?”
5. You’ve been asked “can you do school in your pajamas?”
6. More than one of your friends lives in the country.
7. You’ve ever been enrolled in The Potters School.
8. You have at least two friends that have 4 or more siblings.
9. You’ve been asked “so who teaches you?”
10. Upon hearing the answer “my mom” they’ve asked, “did she have to like go to college to be a teacher?”
11. You like Apologia science, and Apologia only.
12. You and all your friends know Rosetta Stone is the best language program.
13. You’ve been asked “do you have gym class?”
14. You classify the world into two types of people- the people that say “LUCKY!” upon hearing you’re homeschooled, and the people that say “wow that must stink” when hearing it.
15. You’ve been asked many times when you get up in the morning.
16. You’re sick of people asking you when school ends and when school starts each day.
17. You don’t understand how lucky you are that you don’t have to eat cafeteria food.
18. You wake up every morning laughing, knowing that your public school friends are already in first or second period.
19. 2/3s of all your “field trips” take place in your back yard.
20. You know you’ve found someone extraordinary when they can actually make a half-decent homeschool joke.
21. You know that if that defines extraordinary, about 1 in every 50 people are extraordinary.
22. When you go out to stores during school hours you’re asked “school kids have the day off today?”
23. You try ever so hard to smile and say “No, I’m homeschooled” but you really just want to roll your eyes and walk away.
24. You’ve been outside during school hours and a cop has actually asked you why you’re not in school.
25. Snow days are a big joke in your family.
26. Your science project is in the fridge, and mom has to ask you to taste-test it to make sure it’s not the casserole.
27. Your dog is dissected and exhumed when you say it ate your homework (just to be sure!). Oh, right, IT’S ALL HOMEWORK!!!
28. The principal’s office is decorated with dirty laundry and Tide detergent.
29. You sure know how to rock a long denim skirt and Birks!
30. Field trips to WalMart and the post office are totally acceptable.
31. You have enough siblings to be your own basketball league.
32. With the exception of a set of twins, you are always the top of your graduating class.
33. And the bottom, unfortunately.
34. Your mother sometimes threatens to quit her job.
35. The principal can use corporal punishment.
36. You aren’t really that different from those in public schools, they just expect you to be.

Oh, and I once got a comment from one of my friends at school: “But you don’t LOOK like a homeschooler!”.

… seriously, people. What does a homeschooler look like? Did you expect me to have transparent skin, massively thick glasses, greasy hair, zits, a jean skirt, a head-covering, and a dictionary in one hand and a calculator in the other to top it off?! Gosh, people!

My Family Is Insane.

March 17, 2008

Okay, so here is a character list of my family, a synopsis, and a few random quotes from today.

Grandpa Bob:

Bob is a cowboy whose life’s ambition is to own a ranch called “Healing Ranch” and live off a generator. He wants to have solar panels in his house and thinks that crystal rocks can heal people. He also is under the impression that desert plants contain magical properties that can cure gingivitis.

“Dear Baby Lord Jesus, God, Holy Ghost Amen, Mother Earth, Old Man River, and Father Sky, thank you for this food. Amen, Ohm, Shalom.”

That is an honest-t0-goodness prayer. I wish I was kidding.

Grandma Joan:

Joan is a fairly new-agey woman who meshes Eastern beliefs with Christianity. She has a great eye for decorating, and her apartment smells of rich mahogany.

“I like shoes too! A lot. In fact, I like shoes a WHOLE LOT. Really. I’m not kidding. Shoes are fabbie. I have like six pairs.”

Fabbie?

Okay. 🙂 Whatever floats your boat…

Aunt Ricki:

This woman is awesome. She’s an artist and she rocks.

“Bronwyn, look! It’s a teeny tiny tiny tiny tiny teeny tiny car!”

Family trips are memorable. People always say that. What they usually fail to mention is that the reason they are memorable is because your family does a lot of stupid things and says a lot of stupider things.

I’ll start with the airport.

Because we were going to Arizona out of Stewart, we had to switch planes halfway through, and we had a layover in Atlanta. And we were starving. We don’t usually eat out, but when you’re that hungry, you go with what you’ve got, and on the plane, all you get are those ridiculous “complimentary beverages” that are basically cups of lukewarm coke served by grumpy-faced flight attendants, who are really just glorified waitresses.

So anyway, we stopped at a Wendys in the airport and ordered. I got a sandwich (which is a fancy word for “greasy burger dripping with ketchup”, by the way), and my little brother got a burger and a Frosty (which is a fancy word for “fake milkshake).

We waited.

And waited.

And waited.

But Zach’s burger never came.

Turns out that the stupid clerk charged us for the burger but never gave it to us.

Dad was mad.

Tomorrow: Horseback Riding Hurts Your Butt.

1. You own a van.
2. With a fish and Jesus bumper sticker.
3. And a license plate that proudly states: JESUSLUVZU
4. Your hair is perpetually tied back in a ponytail….
5. …And you are a guy.

6. You wear earth tones, polo shirts, and/or tie dye on a regular basis.
7. You have more than 6 Bibles in your house.
8. You have an entire bookshelf dedicated to devotional books.
9. Your van is constantly filled with an assortment of people that you are carting to some church function.
10. You wear one or more of the following as a rule: Birkenstocks, Crocs, watershoes, or you completely boycott shoes altogether, because this is holy ground!
11. Your favorite jewelry is your WWJD? bracelet.
12. An entire drawer in your wardrobe is dedicated to your Christian t-shirts.
13. You know that Jesus rocks Superman to the nth degree.
14. You have ever tried to obtain the “Jesus look” by growing your hair long and taping a fake beard on your chin (Or, in the case of guys, you might just grow a real one).
15. You get weird looks at your school because you are either a Jesus Freak/Jesus Geek (note that there is a difference between the two).
16. Your bumper is plastered with stickers reading things such as “My Boss Is A Jewish Carpenter” “Smile, God Loves You” “Jesus Is My Homedawg” “Gpt Jesus?” and of course, the occasional proud window sticker proclaiming your devotion to the NRA.
17. You pray for every meal… yes, even leftovers which are twice blessed.

“You Were an Accident”
“Strangers Have the Best Candy”
“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”
“Some Kittens Can Fly!”
“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”
“Where Would You Like to Be Buried?”
“Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”
“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”
“All Dogs Go to Hell”
“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”
“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”
“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”
“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”
“Bi-Curious George”
“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.

3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”

4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

5. Highlight your shoes in fluorescent colors. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

6. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

7. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

8. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

9. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

10. Put your wastebasket on your desk. Label it “IN.”

11. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of ink.

12. Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

13. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.